Loss: When it Slaps You in the Face
How many of us have heard at one time or other phrases like “Move on,” “It’s been so long, so move to hope already,” “Why aren’t you feeling better by now?” or “It was just…” when we are dealing with loss? I could have listed so many more sayings, even ones I have never heard or been asked about before.
As someone who has taken training and teaches on loss and grief, I know you never completely get rid of the loss of something in your life. Instead, you learn how to live differently, and this takes time (and there is NO set time).
I created this for my class, then I started to see an image similar all over Facebook. What this image demonstrates is important to understand. A loss never gets smaller. How we learn to walk in life with the loss is what changes.
What do we do when we are years removed from a loss and we have learned to live differently and then something triggers us? You know what I’m talking about: you’re walking around and the next thing you know, “Whack!” You are not okay, and sometimes you don’t even know why yet. Other times you know it was a smell, a turn of phrase a person said, or seeing a picture that hits you differently than it has in a while.
If I just tell you to give yourself grace, you’re going to laugh and walk away right now; however, that really is what you need to do. Give yourself grace (love) because it’s what God wants for us. It will look differently for each of us because we are each unique.
Here’s why I don’t want you to dismiss my suggestion.
God flows an abundant amount of Grace over us, yet we can’t seem to give it out right now. When it comes to giving ourselves grace, we are the worst doing it.
In the last few months, it has seemed I needed to relearn this lesson repeatedly even though this is the whole thought process behind why I named my ministry Granted Grace.
I have lost each one of these members of my family. My grandfather back in 2016, grandmother 2021, and my aunt in 2023
December and January I experienced a renewed struggle with the loss of my grandparents because we had to clean out the house that had all of their items in it and leave my grandparents’ home for the last time. Talk about triggering. I knew at some level this was occurring but didn’t want to address the grief (emotion) that was occurring because of everything happening.
Fast forward to March, and the next thing I saw I still had “Happy New Year” up on Granted Grace’s Facebook page, and the blog series I had been writing in December for the first part of the year on brokenness never got finished or posted, and several classes I had planned for the first part of the year never happened. I was unkind to myself about slacking off and said not so nice things to myself.
Then, unfortunately, I had an unexpected death of a friend occur and I was shocked and still can’t express all my emotions. What it did, though, was lead to a friend walking beside me and reflecting my words back to me. She became my companion and the reflection of God that I needed to hear:
“Jennifer, give yourself Grace.”
Spiritual Director/Companion
I am trained as a spiritual director or companion, and the terms can be swapped, but I have always felt that in the work of loss/grief, it is companionship because you are walking with a person and reflecting/ helping others hear God rather than directing them to hear God.
I am grateful for my friend I needed in this moment, and I am starting to find places to shower love on myself. What does it look like? Well, I decided it was okay that I had not done the classes or changed anything on social media for a while. Now it’s like I have time and energy to work and update items. I have found my grandfather’s bible, and I preached with it last Sunday. Soon, I’m taking my first vacation days in months that are for fun and not family.
When we have a loss pop up and slap us in the face, creating unexpected or expected emotions because we have been triggered, we have to find Grace for ourselves. Just like spiritual practices, the ways we find grace may change over time and look different depending on what has triggered us or how we got triggered.
We are in the Lenten season. I pray you are using the time to draw closer to God.
If you want to learn more about yourself and how you can give yourself grace or are interested in a better understanding of loss and grief, please reach out for companionship or we can talk about classes and workshops offered.
