Loss: Firsts-Christmas, Birthday, Thanksgiving….

When we think about loss and dealing with it, it might be easy to think of loss as dealing with the loss of a person, perhaps a loved one or friend.  I can believe that because I have at least 3 people I’ve lost who pop into my mind right now, but what happens when the loss we experience is not a person but a thing, a job, or an identity? Not only is it often harder to name that loss, but also it is likely more difficult to find other people who understand and identify with that loss.

We can experience “firsts” with every kind of loss, whether it is a job, a dream, a loved one lost through death, or a loved one lost by circumstance, or ________ (fill in the blank).

When we lose something, it is inevitable we will have the “year of firsts.”  What does that mean? We will go through a year without whatever we have lost.

I propose this to you: you will have a “year of firsts,” and if you don’t take notice or live in a daze where you are not acknowledging the loss, you will go through another year of firsts that may be (most likely will be) even more difficult.

How, then, can you go through the “firsts” so you acknowledge the loss, even the pain of the grief, yet allow yourself to experience what is happening around you?

Rituals and Remembering

When you hear the word rituals, I bet you are thinking of something elaborate. For one thing, the definition of a ritual (according to Oxford dictionary) is a religious or solemn ceremony consisting of a series of actions performed according to a prescribed order.  The part I want you to see is a series of actions.

Set up your own series of actions that are special to you that help you remember. Put yourself in a good frame of mind for the season.  It can be something that you set up for each first, not to be repeated, or something special that you set up for each event that you put into place that you will continue doing each year.  An example would be a Longest Night service at Christmas, which you can read about in a previous blog (Loss and Grief with the Holidays).

Why is it important to remember if your loss is a dream or a part of who you are? If you don’t put an essence of remembering into your year of firsts, seeds of bitterness and resultant harm come from this inaction.  Especially if you were hurt some other way in the midst of the loss.  You want to take time to remember the good, because every time you remember the good it helps you hold on to the good times.  Take every opportunity to remember.

Lighting candles can be a great ritual

Need help figuring out the best ritual or best practices remembering for you?

Work with a Spiritual Companion they are there to walk with you, listen and explore ways to remember and rituals to help you.